| [087] Friday 1 May 1998. |
[Fri 1 May / 7:57pm] |
[ WARDED TO SELF. ]
I have only been in here for about two days now and I am already sick of it. There is really no logical reason for why I ought to be staying in here for God-knows-how-long and doing absolutely nothing but sitting in a hammock all-day. Perhaps if we were still operating as the DA and actually doing something here at school, I could see an argument for remaining here, but as it is, I think that's all over -- we failed at just about everything we attempted, and now the only thing we can do is hide and try not to get ourselves captured and killed. I'm going to go mad if I have to live with some of these people for months, if not years if it comes to that.
Tomorrow, I am going to pack up the rest of my belongings, leave through the tunnel, and go home. I'll avoid my mother, discuss some of Dad's research with him, and do a crossword with Rachel, assuming the Ministry has not already gone after our families to interrogate them for information about the DA's whereabouts. Then I'll try to figure out how we can get out of the country and move to New York or Montreal as soon as we can without encountering logistical issues. Or if that is not possible, perhaps I'll find a way to hide for a few months in Israel by volunteering on a kibbutz -- I've always wanted to do that anyway, and I'll be of more use picking oranges than I would be sitting here in a stuffy room doing nothing.
I hate the idea of running away when there is still so much injustice here and I know it would be unforgivably immoral of me to turn my back on everything and everyone, but this seems like such a lost cause now and completely beyond me that I do not know what else to do anymore. [ END WARDS. ]
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| [086] Thursday 30 April 1998. |
[Thu 30 Apr / 11:57pm] |
[ WARDED TO STEPHEN CORNFOOT. ]
I had not intended to say anything to you after Wednesday's incident, as I have nothing to apologise for, but here is a response anyway. You do not have to understand my perspective, nor like or accept what I have to say if you do not wish to do so, as the choice is yours alone to make
I'm not sorry. I had to do what was necessary for a greater cause than ourselves. I might regret some of the specific acts I did for that, especially if a plan did not work as expected, but I will not apologise or be made to feel guilty about putting the greater good and the well-being of society as a whole above personal things like friendship. We're in a war right now, and sacrifices have to be made -- not all of which necessarily involve speaking out in class and being tortured for it.
That is all. [ END WARDS. ]
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| [085] Thursday 30 April 1998. |
[Thu 30 Apr / 11:30pm] |
[ WARDED TO SELF. ]
Padma and I put so much careful thought and work into making sure that our plan to take down the Carrows and rescue the non-magical individual would work, unlike all of the previous operations by the DA that ultimately resulted in failure, and we ended up blowing our covers for nothing, very likely could have got all of us killed if the male one had been more physically fit, and the woman we tried to save was still apparently murdered in the end -- possibly even on account of our actions, though I cannot be certain about that and it is pointless to speculate and wallow in guilt over something that I will never know and cannot change at this point in time.
What is the point of any of this anymore if there is absolutely nothing we can get right and all we ultimately do is get innocent people tortured and killed in retaliation for our failed attempts to fight back? Perhaps everyone would be better off if we did not do anything, as distasteful an idea as that is.
I also feel like a complete idiot about having the foresight to pack the most necessary of my belongings and move them to the Room of Requirement days ahead of time when apparently, all I would have had to do was tell it that I wanted my trunk and it would deliver it to me. I would really like one moment where I do something correctly and do not look like an idiot in the end -- is that really so much to ask for? [ END WARDS. ]
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| [084] Wednesday 29 April 1998. |
[Wed 29 Apr / 11:51pm] |
[ WARDED TO PADMA PATIL. ]
No more lies. No more Unforgivable Curses. No more moral compromises for nothing. I'll not say that it's over -- it's not -- but at least our part is done.
What are we going to do here while we wait until the end of June though? That is, assuming we are actually going to stay here until the end of the term rather than just leaving the school entirely through the tunnel -- it's not as if waiting until the summer begins will make any of us less wanted by the Carrows than we are now. Do you think they will go after our families for information if they suspect --
By the way, I do understand that it does not make much sense to communicate with you like this, but I do not like the idea of other people overhearing my private conversations. I do not think I'm going to like staying here for very long. There are too many Gryffindors. [ END WARDS. ]
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| [083] Tuesday 28 April 1998. |
[Tue 28 Apr / 11:35pm] |
[ WARDED TO PADMA PATIL. ]
I was just thinking about this yesterday, but things are most likely going to be very different from yesterday onwards regardless of the operation's outcome, will they not? Even if we succeed, we'll not have to keep our covers and support the Carrows in public any longer -- which I am looking forward to, of course, but at the same time, I feel as if I have kept up this facade for so long that it has completely consumed my life and identity to the point where leaving it behind will be an incredibly adjustment to have to make and get used to over time. I do not know if you feel the same way as I do, especially considering that you went much further than me by joining the Inquisitorial Squad as well, but I would understand completely if you felt that way -- that it will be a relief for this to be over, but at the same time, having to make such a drastic change is somewhat nerve-wracking to consider.
Additionally, going back to our earlier discussion about what we have to do with the Carrows -- I know we settled on human-to-animal or human-to-object Transfiguration as our best options, but I was thinking again about how I do not think I could ever kill in cold blood even if it was necessary. I could see myself doing so in self-defence, and it most likely would be more of a survival instinct than a rational decision, but I suppose it's also one of those things one will never know until one finds oneself in such a situation. I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this -- I suppose I speak a lot about 'doing what is necessary', but if murder is what's necessary, would I still think the same way? Then again, I never saw myself as an absolutist for the most part.
I'm thinking I had to have lost my train of thought there, so I will bring up more practical concerns in preparation for tomorrow -- is there anything else we need to bring from our dormitories to the Room of Requirement in case we do have to stay there afterwards? I've packed clothes, hygiene products, books, and what's left of my matzah, but I would not be surprised if I missed something important. [ END WARDS. ]
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